CHARLIE GOES TO TOWN FOR AVOCADOS

"I figured we could just pick 'em off as we needed 'em."

"We should try to make something with these things."

GHOST WALK JUST AROUND THE CORNER

                         

The Santa Paula Ghost Walk is next month and Louie has already started to bring his ghost to life.  This year Louie hopes to perfect his Natty Light Scorpion story.  The story, which has been rejected in the past for violation of the product placement guideline put in place after the incident with the incident with the Budweiser frogs in 1996, features a  human scorpion that can open Natty Lights with its tail while drinking a Natty Light and tending bar with its human hands.  The human scorpion was allegedly killed during bar room argument over the true identity of William Shakespeare. When reminded of the product placement controversy, Louie kicked at the ground a few times and said, "Blow, blow, thou winter wind, Thou art not so unkind As man's ingratitude," and went back to raking the driveway. Louie's continued dedication to Ghost Walk is an inspiration to the 7H and we all wish him the best this year.

“I POKED IT WITH A STICK AND THEN . . . “

Complete the sentence. “I poked it with a stick and then . . .” to win something kind of valuable to someone at some point.  Additional sentences are allowed but entries must be fifty words or less.  This is not a competition. Everyone who submits an entry will get a prize.  If you haven't done any poking lately, you can use these pictures to tickle your imagination.  For example, "I poked it with a stick and then the metal pail turned into a turkey."

7H PLANNING COMMITTE TO MEET CONCERNING SEWER UPGRADE

The 7H Planning Committee will meet next Tuesday to discuss the much needed sewer upgrade. Upgrade advocate Helen says, “With all the shit we’ve got up here, the old system can’t take it anymore.”  Public input is welcomed by choosing the statement that you most strongly agree with.  The choices are: A) You Go Girl! or B) WTF?

WHIRLWIND MITCHELL OUTRUNS HORSE

Rumor has it that Whirlwind Shelly Mitchell ran her first barrel race this last weekend, but apparently her trusty new barrel horse Harry isn't as fast as she hoped.  After an impressive start, Shelly decided she could get off and run the barrels faster herself. Shelly's trainer thought the race went well but did think Harry was a bit of a "looky Lou" and believed that may have slowed him down a bit.  Shelly's commented that he learned this behavior from an old friend, Velvet Heller.

After showing up on the wrong day and being completely confused by the entry form to enter the time only class, horse and rider were fine and they were actually quite pleased that they had run towards the barrels and not away from them as the rider had feared.
  
Mitchell turned down multiple offers to double up in the time only category. Shelly explained to the other competitors that this may be too dangerous to attempt with Harry, as he may be distracted and run right into them.  There is still no data on actually how slow Harry is, but he did look the part as he attempted to act "Hot" while walking around the practice arena.  More updates next week. 


Thanks Shelly for reporting this story!

MARY TAKES TO THE SEA

Fed up with the one hundred plus temperatures in the canyon, Mary captained the Velvet Flyer to cooler pastures.  Her spirits were buoyed  when she nearly capsized two young girls in a paddle boat.  Andy, also fleeing the heat, suggested she may be displacing some of the anger and resentment she still harbors from her bitter loss in the costume class.

CHARLIE'S TRUCK

TOP 10 REASONS FARM TRUCKS AREN'T STOLEN:

#10 They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.

#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

#7 It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

#3 Top speed is approximately 45 mph.

#2 Who wants to steal a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u- joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield?

#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

Thanks to Ellie and Lynne for this one!

PINK MOMENT

The way it is! No Photoshop.

WHEELER CANYON CATTLE DISORDER

The cattle of Wheeler Canyon have developed a compulsive checking disorder, similar to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which has caused them to become impossible to herd.  Ranchers have consulted with numerous experts in the field and on the phone and have failed to agree on a treatment.  Longtime canyon resident Mary first diagnosed the situation while returning up the canyon for the third time to confirm she had chained all of the stable gates and shut off the coffee pot.

HAZARD TAPE DECORATING COMPETITION DEADLINE IS NEXT WEEK SOMETIME

Only one entrant is going after the big prize so far and if no other entries are received Talker and his smelly blanket will be going home with Jennifer. Good luck Jennifer.

UNCONFIRMED SIGHTING OF WARD WEARING SANDALS

Anyone with information regarding this incident,  please contact the 7H Fashion Hotline.  Hotline caller Louie wondered, "Is that all he had on?"

BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION CRASHER PUT TO WORK

Party Crasher Put To Work

Can I get a ride home?

The twins, Maggie and Fifi, celebrated their fiftieth birthday Sunday and were astounded  when over sixty people turned out to commemorate the day .  An unidentified juvenile was spotted just as the sisters attempted to blow out the one hundred birthday candles artfully covering the cake. He was quickly put to work assisting the aging sisters. Later he was seen handing his card to Alex and asking for a ride home.

B.E.G. R.I.P

Bill E. Goat moved on to greener pastures early Saturday evening.  After a lifelong struggle with a degenerative nerve disease he passed quietly and will be missed by all.  A moment of silence will be observed Wednesday at 6pm. Many more moments of silence will be observed by those living less than thirty feet from Billy’s pen.

LIFE ON THE 7H

Driving Mr. Earl

More Visitors Arriving This Weekend

Somethin' Is Always Cookin'

THE REST OF THE FIRST NEWSLETTER

RANCH VEHICLE UPDATE
Louie has been busy fine tuning his ranch vehicle and is somewhat surprised by all the attention it is getting.  Offers to buy the vehicle, "as is", are coming in from as far away as Fillmore and Saticoy.  He has no plans to sell the vehicle at this time.  However, he does say, "It feels really good to see my design decisions appreciated.  I drank three natty lights thinking about one of them."  Although Charlie says the gratuitous use of bailing wire is aesthetically, "so little red wagon," he is quite impressed with the "duct tape dashboard".  Louie stands by his design and says, "Make your own  ranch vehicle." 

Debbie at Rest

SHELLY "WHIRLWIND" MITCHELL MIGHT HAVE BEEN HERE
Some of you may have noticed an ecological disturbance this weekend.  Shelly "Whirlwind" Mitchell stopped by the 7H on her way to and from wherever it was she was going.  Details are sketchy but apparently she delivered a six month old McNabb border collie.  Although Whirlwind" Mitchell is not a licensed veterinarian, the puppy is healthy.  




CHICKEN COOP COMMITEE TO MEET THIS THURSDAY
The 7H Chicken Coop Renovation Project (CCRP) committee is meeting this Thursday to begin discussion on the future of the chicken coop.  Committee member Helen says, "I know there are a lot of deep feelings about this project but we can't lose our heads."  Turkey tender Mary wants to ensure every turkey is represented at the meeting and is planning a silent vigil if the turkeys will cooperate.


Stories that were unconfirmed at press time:
ANDY FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN GIN AND DOUGHNUTS
NEIGHBORS GET DONKEY . . .OR MAYBE A DONKEY CALL

OPOSSUM DAYS AT THE 7H

Still smarting from her second place finish in the costume class, Mary surprised everybody by bagging the season's first opossum. This is her first year participating in the annual event and the time she spent working with the resident bloodhound really paid off. Twenty-five year old Michael Gregorich, who snuck into town to from Colorado to surprise his mom and hunt opossum said, "I should've known Mary would try to take advantage of me being gone. She's probably still shook up about losing to an eleven year old up at the horse show." Not everybody was as philosophical as Michael. Helen said, "Yep, it's dead!"

OLD FIESTA DAYS IN SANTA BARBARA

Mary saddled and decorated herself and her horse, Hollywood Sunspot, and rode off with a second place ribbon in Santa Barbara this past weekend in the open costume class. In addition, she took second place in the ranch riding and sixth place in the reigning. This is Mary's return to the competitive arena after taking a few years off to, "shovel horse shit", she said. Not to be outdone, Helen took advantage of her position as costume consultant and horse napped Hollywood for, what was for Mary, a terrifying tour of the 7H. Rider and horse returned safely however and from what Helen can remember all she can say is, "I love that horse. Which one did I ride?"